Holiday songs. They’re all around us. Taking over radio stations, blasting through stores, collectively hummed by co-workers.
I am all about getting into the holiday spirit. My Pandora has been set to the N’Sync Christmas station since December 1 (don’t judge.) Trans Siberian Orchestra makes me warm and fuzzy inside. But there is one song without fail that snaps me out of my festive mood and gets my blood boiling so fast you’d think I was bipolar.
Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.
What. The. Hell. What kind of sadistic bastard wrote this song? We don’t want our innocent children listening to sounds with profanity, yet we let them sing merrily about Grandma’s murder? There’s even a music video for the song. And a children’s cartoon. I love my Baba and I am not about to let this go without a fight.
Let’s start with the lyrics. Nothing says Christmas like a gruesome image of Grandma lying dead in the snow reeking of eggnog and alcohol, hoofprints all over her face, and “incriminating Claus marks on her back.” Stop and actually picture that for a moment. Disgusted yet?
Now let’s delve into the story. First of all, why was Grandma walking home alone at night on Christmas Eve anyway? Her family couldn’t take the time to drive her? No one thought that it was a bad idea? You can’t convince me that the family was sitting around the fire and just watched Grandma waltz right out that door.
Where was Grandpa when it all went down? Isn’t there something in wedding vows about “honoring and protecting?” I’m not saying that Grandpa could have fought off a reindeer, but he sure could have tried.
And where is Santa in all of this? Surely he was driving, no? Did he stop to help, or was it considered a hit and run? To me it sounds like he was the one shnockered on eggnog and should have his license revoked. Sorry Claus, you can’t leave me a shiny new grandma under the Christmas tree and all will be forgotten.
My point is, don’t be a happy little lemming singing along to the song because it has a catchy tune. How would you like it if your Grandma got run over and killed by a mythical creature, leaving your elderly grandfather sad and alone? And then millions of people sing about it for years after. Merry Christmas to you too.
Does anyone feel the same? Are there other holiday songs that make you want to grab the nearest snowman and hurl it across the room?