Last night I went to a Miss America party with my running friends Julie, Sara, and Alicia, where I wore a tiara and sash, drank girly drinks, and got the 411 on pageant life.
If you know me at all, you’re shaking your head and laughing right now. Me, sitting and watching a pageant? Voluntarily? Hell yea! This is the one time of year where it’s socially acceptable for my granola happiest-in-the-woods-without-makeup ass to sit and scathingly judge women’s shoes, attire, bodies, and talent. The Q&A portion doesn’t count because let’s be real, I judge anyone the moment they open their mouth.
My friend Julie is the absolute best hostess for this type of party—she was all prepared with pink cocktails and champagne, tiaras, and homemade sashes and superlatives. Even her tripod pup was rocking a pink bandana. And Sara made vegan pink glitter cupcakes, so we were ready to party!
So what did this first-time judge learn last night, you ask? Let me tell you:
- There’s a parade. For shoes. …Wut?
- If you get hurt, bedazzle the brace. Which makes me wonder, do the women vajazzle in case of a swimsuit malfunction?
- Nothing screams “I’m boring as hell!” like sharing your shoe size with the country.
- If you lose, you have to sit on stage and smile for hours. Talk about adding insult to injury.
- You don’t eat or drink on pageant day. Or month. Or year, I assume.
- Miss America can also be the National Thigh Gap Convention.
- You’re not allowed to be married. There go my chances at a crown.
- Pop your knee, twist your hip, roll your shoulder to look as skinny and unnatural as possible.
- Barbie hair doesn’t equal a win. Sorry Southern Belles.
- Miley Cyrus twerking and Syria are both valid Q&A topics.
- Tattoos are taboo.
- Muscles aren’t welcome in the swimsuit competition. Therefore, they may be skinny, but I can take on any of those girls. Bring it, bitches.
Now for the judging—who did I want to win? Miss California! Hands down. She’s beautiful, brilliant, funny, and athletic. Plus, forget killer cleavage, a tight booty, or nice thighs—I think the sexiest part of a woman is the small of her back. So Miss California’s dress was to.die.for. She deserved to win for that alone! Sigh. But I’m very happy for Miss New York, she was my second favorite.
Until next year—Tanya Sylvan, Miss America judge—out!